I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
