i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
