you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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