She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
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