How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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