Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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