I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
