Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
