I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
only you would photoshop your dick
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
