I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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