She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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