you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
