He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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