There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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