Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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