he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
