My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
