I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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