Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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