apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
