someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
