just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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