if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You've changed since you got that strap on
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
