If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
