Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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