i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
