I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
