I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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