Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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