then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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