I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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