im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Are my feet made of real feet?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
