Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
