I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
