HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
