it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
