Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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