Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
