At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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