I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
