I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
