I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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