just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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