I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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