Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
