How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
