look no pants
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
