I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
