I want to have your abortion
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
