I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
