That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
