But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
