Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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