Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
