After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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