I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Who died my cat blue again?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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