You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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