I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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