Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
