So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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