I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
