i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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