you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
