you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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