we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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