if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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